Thursday, February 26, 2009

... on hold? stalled? dead?

Time to fill in this blank.

I moved. I created an online cv/portfolio for my game design job hunt. I learned UnrealEd and 3dsMax. I resumed work in dromed. I have not been working on COT.

I am a little discouraged about it, thinking again that I don't really know what would make all of the work I've done worth it. I don't even really know what worth it would mean. I continue to grapple with the "fanfictions ought not to be written" concept versus the "this isn't really a fanfiction, it's something else" fantasy and the "I am really only doing this for practice and experience" excuse. On top of it all is the higher truth that I don't need to pretend this is something it isn't, I don't need to justify it to anyone, and I wouldn't have already spent so much time on if if it wasn't worth it to myself merely writing it. Noone will read it who doesn't actually want to and the only ones who will ridicule it will be the ones who don't actually want to read it.

It all comes back to Daneel Todulem. I am going to change the name. The question is... am I changing it because I think I should, or because I want to? The truth is that I like the new name I came up with more than that name - but is it honest to do so? Why pretend that this is something it isn't? Why disguise it? Will it make the story more accessible to people if they do not believe that one of the six main characters is "played by" the author? Maybe it will.

I also can't forget this truism: you can only be at your best when you're taking yourself the least seriously.

1 comment:

Anarchic Fox said...

Well, my take is that, one, fanfiction as medium has yet to be fully explored, and two, being a Mary Sue story is not an insurmountable flaw.

Early on with CoSaS I realized it needed to somehow explore the boundaries of author-insertion fiction. To put it glibly, Nightfall should come to realize that he is only one character among many.